Life: Bowling

I was playing bowling with my colleagues when another dreadful realization occurred to me --- I have lived my life the way I have played the bowl.

At times I could get a strike without even knowing how I did it. At times I could get a gutter ball even though I was trying hard to aim for the goal. Sometimes I could knock four, three, two even one pin out but most of the time I could knock six to eight pins out - nine pins down would be rare. Then I would try hard to concentrate. I would try to recall what were my stances when I struck the bowl. How did I position my feet, my hands, the ball; what was I feeling, thinking, or even eyeing for. I could not seem to recall anything but I have to set the ball on. As the ball went to the gutter when I released it from my charge, it was in this juncture that the realization dawn onto me.

I was not supposed to feel disappointment as it was just a game but sometimes a man's method of playing a game is a reflection of how he is living his life.

Over the years I have been trying to figure out why my life seemed to be in disarray. Although I've got my triumphant moments but most of the time I feel like I have accomplished nothing. Mediocrity is no longer unusual to me. Ere long I have accepted the fact that I am a jack-of-all-trades but a master-of-none. I tried to establish a focal point but akin to my bowling, once I pick to give the shot it would turn up futile.

Most of the people who knew me think that I am someone prodigious. Some are intimidated by the way I talk and by the way I project myself to the public. They think I am someone smart, a know-it-all human being, a gifted one. Just because my English vocabulary is not as vast as theirs; just because I speak American English as nearly as a native; just because I’ve got an immense passion for literature; just because I can write poetry; just because I prefer scrabble, boggle, and other word-related games; just because I know some things which an average people really don’t --- these do not make me someone exceptional. These do not make me someone different. These do not make me someone special.

For some reasons, I have become shattered on how I was living my life. I could not get the gist why I couldn’t be consistent in playing the bowl. I could hit a strike without even doing something, and I could get a gutter ball when I am exerting an effort. I could smite one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, even nine pins but incongruously. I don’t know why I keep on aiming for a perfect strike when I know for a fact that it does not happen all the time. Unfortunately, this is how I view some aspects of my life. I seek for perfection despite knowing that achieving it is beyond possibility. That is why, it is such a dreadful realization; I have lived my life the way I have played bowling --- mediocrity.

a very bad day

I am totally upset right now that I wanted to shout and scream at the top of my lungs. My day was not really that bad until the trojans and worms began pestering my laptop. I know, I could have stopped it but was so insistent in downloading a file disregarding the possibility that it would harm my computer. Thus I am paying for my negligence right now.

Another thing that caused my blood rushing to my head was my sister's inability to do what I have asked her to do. I don't know if she is being stupid or she is being overwhelmed by the company that she has found with her college friends. She just threw my hard-earned two hundred and twenty bucks away.

Back to Stars Hollow

At long last! After searching for months and months I finally found a website that streams Gilmore Girls past episodes!

I was not able to contain my excitement as I relentlessly browsed over the website to check the past episodes - especially those I haven't seen - online. One can really say that I am filled with thrill as I watch the first episode with all smile. I can feel my eyes glowing and for some reasons I can't stop giggling as I sang along with Carole King. Oh... how I love Gilmore Girls! The fast-paced dialogues, the petty and big arguments, the parent-child relationship, love, friendship, everything! I love everything about the Gilmore Girls... (I don't sound to be a big fan, right? ^_^)

Sigh... I am jumping back again to my fantasy world. Anyway... back to Stars Hollow now... XD

PS. I have posted the link for Gilmore Girls free online streaming... some might want to check it... (Go ahead, you won't regret it... XD)

When Selfishness Is The Last Resort

A week ago in my Euthenics class I conducted a team-building activity which I have gotten during the YMCA's Volunteers Training on July 25. I intended to measure the decision-making ability of my students that's why I decided to incorporate it in one of my classes.

The activity was called "Survival". The class was divided into four groups and each group is composed of 7-8 members. The goal was to choose 5 persons who will be saved from their sinking ship. I told my students not to make self-sacrifices for in real life when one faces an accident or emergency, the first person he would usually save is himself. Furthermore, I also instructed them that they have to be able to come up with a decision after 30 minutes.

I have expected that my students would think inside the box. Hence, the difficulty in settling up their minds. I knew that the thirty-minute time frame would be very short but I did it on purpose to stir their minds more. A dispute or argument was suppose to surface, fortunately my students were open-minded enough. Their only trouble was choosing the right persons to save. During the activity, one of the groups came to me and asked if it is okay if all of them in their team would be saved. I just reminded them of my instruction. No self-sacrifices. I then told the class that sometimes, it is fine to be selfish. One just have to be selfish in tough times in order to survive. I knew that some of them would not accord with my line of thinking but I did not bother. I just wanted to know how are they going to decide on it.

At the end of the activity, each group were able to name the people who were saved. After which, I asked one of them what was their method of choosing those people. One group had a voting, while the others chose the 5 persons according to their missions in life. I could have told my students that some of them still made self-sacrifices but did not elaborate on it instead disclosed the lesson of the activity.

Some of my students shared that they did not think of breaking the rules and that they were held between making the wrong decisions and the idea of self-sacrifices. I then related to my students that in life, when one is faced of making a very tough decision he must contemplate on it first. Thinking outside the box would not hurt nor thinking of oneself's welfare. I reiterated that sometimes it is okay to be selfish. One does not have to follow what others are saying. One does not have to conform with what the situation can give. Sometimes, one just have to be selfish by following what his heart is saying. If his heart is saying to save himself to save others then there is nothing wrong with defying what was given. Sometimes, when selfishness is the last resort, one must go with it in order to accomplish what needs to be accomplish. Lastly, I made an emphasis on the type of selfishness that I have been hinting to my students during the activity. The personal desire to help others in times of their need. The personal desire to make others happy. The personal desire to give one's life for the sake of others.

The Night Before Her Death

In my last blog, I have admitted that I was not really affected by the former President Aquino's death. Until now, I am still trying to figure why however I could not find the reason why.

When I heard that she was diagnosed with colon cancer I just felt nothing. I even get annoyed everytime I hear news about her. I mean, come on, she's on stage four and no matter how many prayers you are going to offer her I just don't think it would work.

I refused watching tv and read internet news update because I know the media will just be talking about her. The last time I got interested with current events was during Michael Jackson's death. I would really spend hours and hours on the internet just to be updated with MJ. But it is not the case with Mrs. Aquino.

31 July 2009 - My students and I were walking along McArthur Highway. When we reached Ateneo de Davao High School campus I noticed the yellow ribbons tied on the railings as well as on the streets. I have already known that those yellow ribbons indicate support and prayers for Mrs. Aquino. Reminded by the yellow ribbons I then shared to my students my points of view on Mrs. Aquino. I told them that I find prayers for Mrs. Aquino to be useless, if her time comes the she would die. The prayers would not be able to heal Mrs. Aquino. The prayers would not help Mrs. Aquino to recover.

The next day, at around 5 o'clock in the morning, I was already hearing Ted Failon on TV. I thought it was just a replay of news program; what's more absurd was I thought it was another tribute for Michael Jackson. But shock suddenly grasped me and I could not believe what I was hearing. So to make sure that the news was true, I checked abs-cbnnews.com and yahoo.com, after doing so my hesitations were all erased. Mrs. Aquino died at 76. I was surprised upon confirming it. I was just talking with my students regarding prayers for Aquino, and then after few hours she was already gone.

Anti-Filipino

No. I am not so affected. Should I feel guilty about it?

Shameful may be but I just cannot lie to myself. I have cried over the King of Pop but I could not cry, even a single tear, for the late Mrs. Corazon Aquino. Maybe it is because I could barely connect with her, unlike MJ whose music greatly influenced me. Aside from that, forgive me kababayans, maybe I am just not impressed with what she had done. Others may think of her as the icon for hope but I really don't.

Yes, it is true. She led the people power but it was not her who triggered it. It was her husband, who I admire greatly. She only came to surface after her husband's death. She had to, the people are calling her. Filipinos are melodramatic. Underdogs are greatly favored. And I guess that's what happened hence the enormous support for Mrs. Aquino during the 1986 Special Election.

But I am not saying that the People Power 1 was just a fad. I believe that the Filipinos were already at their pique and to let Mr. Marcos continue his term would be a suicide. It just so happen that Mrs. Aquino was the wife of the great Benigno Aquino, Jr. She was the perfect character to replace the dictator who was believed to be connected with her husband's death.

Well, anyway, perhaps I am just one of the few who was not pleased by Mrs. Aquino but this does not necessarily mean that I see Mrs. Aquino as an inefficient president. I understand that her term as president was the most painful and difficult of all as hers was the transition period for the Filipinos. Despite the coup attempts and crisis she encountered the Philippine government was still able to survive.

Stolen and Returned

Thud!

Scream!

Distracted by the noise created by Ate Mimi outside the room, we really did not deem it as something alarming until Ate Joy insisted that something was going wrong outside.

Another scream.

Ate Joy then opened the door of the office as she rushed to Ate Mimi. Annie and I were both stunned when we saw that my laptop was no longer at the table. Kuya Fritz dashed out of the store to ran after the thief. Nakata folIowed.

I approached the table where my laptop was set. My heart was pounding hard and fast. Slowly by slowly, I could no longer distinguish what I was feeling. It seemed that my emotions left me out of nowhere. I was smiling but my head was confused. I was already aware that my laptop was stolen but I was still asking myself, "What happened?"

Oblivious of the people around me, my thoughts were all at the laptop. Hoping, praying that it will be recovered. I tried to cling to my intuitions but reality would keep on interrupting reminding me to prepare myself for the big possibility that it will never be returned to me. And my heart keeps on pounding hard and fast. My breathing then must have become abnormal but I really could not say. The thief might have stolen my emotions as well.

I must have been dazed for 20 minutes or so and I can say that that was the longest 20 minutes I ever had.

My senses only came back to me when I remembered that I have a deadline to meet on Wednesday. I have no other copies of my course outlines and Miss Jonalyn already informed us that the course outlines will be due on the 5th of August. Aside from that, I realized that I don't have a backup of my files. I felt doomed and I felt like crying. "So what am I going to do now?" Another question I could not answer.

Moments later I saw Nakata coming in the store. "Kapoy..." he uttered in his own way. After that Kuya Fritz followed on and then Jay-ar. My world stopped for a second. My breath almost ran out. Annie smiled at me then rubbed my back. I was relieved. Kuya Fritz placed the laptop on the table. I did not touch it at first. I only stared. He then showed me the scratches it incurred. The top cover as well as the front rear had blotches. According to Jay-ar, the thief threw the laptop on the street that is why they were able to retrieve my computer. However, they were not able to catch the thief. He was breathing heavily while relating the chase. Jay-ar added that the laptop jolted twice before it fell on the ground. Kuya Fritz then check if the laptop can still run. I sighed with relief as I heard it's welcome sound. Then I began checking the LCD screen. Thank God it did not sustain any damage. However, the lock was broken. Annie said it is better than the whole computer. I said "Yeah. Right."

Kuya Fritz and the rest of the group were then talking about what happened while I just sat and leaned on the wall. Annie kept asking if I was okay and I just told her that I am. I had the laptop back, that is the most important.

Game Over

I quit. I give up. I am tired.

Have you ever tried resisting fate when deep in your heart you know you just have to give in? The pain of being human. The pain of being invincible. It dehumanizes you. It weakens you. Yet there is nothing you can do but accept the truth and move on.

Moving on. I detest that thought. I abhor that thought. I hate that thought. But what can I do when it is my last resort? My ONLY resort? Isn't it exasperating?

In this world of lies and deceptions you have no choice but pretend even though you don't want to. Keep the pain. Keep the emotion. Keep the thought. Deprive yourself of your happiness. Deprive yourself of your freedom. Deprive yourself of enlightenment. Then suddenly, surprisingly, you gain wisdom. Confusing, isn't it?

"One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes." The fox said to the little prince. Indeed. No wonder why I could not see. For even though my eyes are open but my heart is close.

And so, I quit. I give up. I am tired.

The game is over.

Philippine Martial Law version 2

With Con-Ass on the move, I am afraid that there will be a Martial Law part 2.

Well, i just hope i am not correct and i just hope President Arroyo would not take advantage over Con-Ass. True that the constitution needs to be amended but why now when 2010 election is just around the corner?

I was not fussed when i read that the congress finally okayed on con-ass however my apprehension surfaced after i finished reading the article about the said matter. The solons who ayed for con-ass were not sure on what would happen next. They don't even know when to begin the convention! Nograles said they might convene after the President's last SONA which will be on July 27. That would be ten months before the election and who knows how long the con-ass will take? Amending the constitution needs more time and thorough deliberation and i don't think ten months or less is enough.

I am not against cha-cha in fact I strongly believe that the constitution needs to be revised to accord with the Filipinos' lifestyle. However, to push con-ass this year is very precarious and this might give the government a reason, an apposite reason, to do what they have been wanting to do -- Martial Law.

People Power. Not again.

I just seen from the TV that few of my kababayans will be bringing their objections against cha-cha on the streets. In fact, according to the news update, some of them are already busy preparing for their rally which would start Monday next week.

Wow! Isn't that great? The Philippines is going to have another version of people power! If this will happen then it would be our 3rd people power. Oh no! I think it's the 4th... hmmmm... maybe 5th. It could also be the 6th, 7th, 8th. Nth? Sorry, i lost my count. Let me check the history. Nah. Never mind. It doesn't matter anyway. People power are all the same. Except for the first of course. The original.

I wonder why some of my kababayans are not yet tired of the history repeating over and over. Come on. We've been tolerating people powers for many times but nothing has changed. The Mother country is still suffering from the social cancer and no one even bothered to check if she is still okay. Our impulsiveness would only bring us to nowhere.

The railroading of con-ass at the congress did seem to be equivocal and i cannot blame those people who were infuriated by it but to bring it to the streets is frivolous.

Past: Please Release Me

There may be a time for everything but still nobody knows when that time will be... There may be a reason for everything yet nobody knows what that reason is...

When you have already decided to let go of the past and leave it all behind, it would then again hunt and pin you down. You wonder as you try to move on; should you really let go or should you hold on for a little more while? With this on the fritz, you wander with confusion once more -- should you stay or should you go, that is the question.

When the hardest part of living is acceptance and the hardest thing to do is giving up, you toddle with uncertainty, you pause and then you stop -- is it really worth it? do you really have to do it? for what reason?

Afterward you search for the answers, trying to satiate the hunger for the truth yet you just find yourself frustrated and dejected. The answer seemed to be very elusive. always beyond your reach. always out of the line.

So you fixed yourself into something else, forgetting the thing that you have to do. You neither let go nor accepted what was given to you instead you blinded yourself and pretended that nothing really happened. You then started taking the path you thought you have never taken. A new road, a new journey. However, upon reaching the crossroad you realized you are back to where you have come from. And the cycle goes on again until you got tired.

You have gone weary but you are still unable to make up your mind. For some reasons, the past can't seem to emancipate you from it. Daunting you, holding you back, smothering you. But the fact is: It is you who cannot withhold from the past, it is you who cannot give it up it is you who refused to let go.

Sometimes when the hardest part of living is acceptance and the hardest thing to do is letting go you stop and you cry. The answer you have been seeking was just inside your heart all the while yet you failed to recognize it. Indeed there is a time for everything and there is a reason for everything. But time and reason are only instruments for you to realize that that's what life is really for.

Here Comes Jeep ni Erap

When Erap relaunched his jeepney, I knew he would be running for 2010.

President Gloria shouldn't have granted Estrada his civil and political rights hence his audacity to run for reelection.

The nerve, after all he's done and what he'd gone through, he still has the guts to run for president! I wonder what was he thinking or does he ever think at all? If he is only following his advisers then it is time for him to fire them all. They have done nothing good to him, in fact his reputation was ruined because of what they are feeding him.

He must realize that life is not a movie. He's not an actor playing for a role of a man who lives in a dream that he is born to be the savior of his country. He should stop thinking that he is the next Ninoy or Rizal because he will never be one. I do not understand why he still wants to go back to politics after the fiasco he and his men created. If his reason is just because he wants to serve the Filipino people, does he really had to run for office? Can't he extend his hands to his fellowmen without a seat in the government? If he would reason out that he can do a lot of things for his people if he is the president of the country, what had he done for the Philippines during his term in the first place?

If ever he had done something good for the country, I really cannot say for the things that I can only remember during his presidency was the peso rate on its lowest, the economy at its rock bottom, the Philippines in the dark. And I don't need to present evidence here as the history has already spoken it.

dejected

1o:15 pm -- Awoke from a light slumber. I fell asleep while waiting for "That Thing You Do" movie to download. Unfortunately, the long wait was in vain as the movie did not download at all. Starving and quite disappointed, i got out of bed to have some dinner only to find out that we don't have food again. It has always been like this. How ironic, my mom is a school teacher and i am a call center agent but we just could not put a food on our table. I don't know if the problem is with my mother or with me or with how we manage our family life.

Totally pissed off by that moment, i decided to go out to get dinner. I did not tell my sister where the hell i am going as she really doesn't have to know and i don't want her to know. 

Unsure of where to go... my head is battling if i just go to breakfast club which is not expensive or try the cafe at bajada which i've been attempting to visit but always unable to do so for some reasons. When i got inside the jeepney, i settle on Buzz Cafe... I told myself that i will waste the 500 bucks in my pocket. I guess that's how upset I was. 

And so here i am... Sitting alone in a comfortable zone with the coffee and clubhouse sandwich which cost me quite a lot... Sigh... I guess i am just lonely... I am trying to grasp why I have come to this point... I am not really sure if this is the kind of life i want... I just can't wait for the time where i can leave this city and live on my own knowing no one but myself... 

I will be posting this entry in my superficialistics blog... I have promised that i will not post any senseless items there but then i realized, why do i have to push myself into something which i know i am not really good at? I am so tired of pleasing other people... So tired of making good impressions... I just want to be myself... Myself... who until now i still do not know... I've been searching for myself for a very long time... Myriad of things have been revealed but it seems i haven't obtain them... 

Anyway... from now on... the superficialistics blog will just demonstrate my superficialities and absurdity...