The Horrible Side of Me

Just like any others, I have my own share of insularities; as much as I want to contain them, but human as I am, I also have my uncontrollable whims. What might be inoffensive to others might be offensive to me, what might be inoffensive to me might be offensive to others.

It is difficult to understand. Human beings are as unfathomable as its origin. However, that's how the nature works, that's how the world maneuvers --- I could abhor it, sure I would, but who am I to even the score when I am just but a speck of it.

I never wanted to be angry. I never wanted to be offended. But what transpired was another story. This fury, I want to contain, for I do not want to catch sight of my rage. That is why I always prefer silence; for my words can turn into a double-edged sword anytime, ready to slash any emotion of any ego that would come my way.

I was angry, and now I am hurt. Although there is no need for me to explain myself, as I was the one who was publicly humiliated, but letting this out in the open is the only way for me to let go of my chagrin and get ahold of myself back into composure. It was no joke, but it was for theirs. They didn't know that I could no longer raise my eyes as I could not bear to see the mockery painted on their faces. Their defeaning cheers had turned into a bunch of poisonous and sharp arrows fired at me: lacerating every inch of my skin, piercing through my veins, perforating my soul. I was caught off guard, I had no choice. Like a sailor passing through the Strait of Messina, it is either I have to confront Scylla or Charybdis. The terrible thing is, I was only forced to board that ship and I have no right to be defiant.

The sense of betrayal keeps on ringing in my ears. What occured was a very shallow act, I know, but it was not insubstantial to me --- and that's what afflicts me the most. Worst thing is, although I could easily forgive, but I could not easily forget. What happened might just fade away, but the racking sensation has been etched in my memory.

No, I am not asking for any sympathy. I have already anticipated the false impression. I do not expect anyone to understand what I am feeling; I, myself, could not even grasp the rationale behind my immature and childish response. This is how I feel. People may tell me to get control of my emotions, but no one can just tell anyone to stop the feeling because it is very superficial. We have our own impulses, and sometimes these impulses are so hard to restrain no matter what you do. It would really flare up once in a while.

I do not mean to justify my reaction, I am only speaking my mind up. After this, I will have to think of ways on how to act normal in front of everybody. I may still be able to smile, proceed like nothing happened, but how I wish it's just as simple as that. The course of tides had changed. The time has come for me to choose between Scylla and Charybdis, and now I am crushed because I don't know which options to take.

I could set aside the emotion and pretend that everything is okay, but I could not tolerate any teasing and I might get irked. I could be branded as narrow and overrated, but I could care less and I couldn't mind. Maybe I would just cross the bridge when I get there, but it is the uncertainties of my reaction that terrifies me. And that, I guess, is the most horrible side of me. =(

the struggle

Alone here in the classroom, it seems that my students have forgotten that they have a technical writing class at this hour. What a crap!

I have always been lenient with my classes, perhaps the reason why most of the students take me so lightly. Although I am trying to justify that what I am doing is not wrong, I am their teacher for pete's sake, not their babysitter! It is not my responsibility to remind them every now and then about their class whatsoever. They are already out of high school; this is no longer grade school! Sigh.

As much as I want to be strict, but I knew how college life is, btdt. That's the exact reason why instead of acting as an instructor, I try hard to be their academic partner by discussing the things that I have learned about this particular subject. Well, I guess I have to change my strategy. Being friendly does not work for me.

When Selfishness Is The Last Resort

A week ago in my Euthenics class I conducted a team-building activity which I have gotten during the YMCA's Volunteers Training on July 25. I intended to measure the decision-making ability of my students that's why I decided to incorporate it in one of my classes.

The activity was called "Survival". The class was divided into four groups and each group is composed of 7-8 members. The goal was to choose 5 persons who will be saved from their sinking ship. I told my students not to make self-sacrifices for in real life when one faces an accident or emergency, the first person he would usually save is himself. Furthermore, I also instructed them that they have to be able to come up with a decision after 30 minutes.

I have expected that my students would think inside the box. Hence, the difficulty in settling up their minds. I knew that the thirty-minute time frame would be very short but I did it on purpose to stir their minds more. A dispute or argument was suppose to surface, fortunately my students were open-minded enough. Their only trouble was choosing the right persons to save. During the activity, one of the groups came to me and asked if it is okay if all of them in their team would be saved. I just reminded them of my instruction. No self-sacrifices. I then told the class that sometimes, it is fine to be selfish. One just have to be selfish in tough times in order to survive. I knew that some of them would not accord with my line of thinking but I did not bother. I just wanted to know how are they going to decide on it.

At the end of the activity, each group were able to name the people who were saved. After which, I asked one of them what was their method of choosing those people. One group had a voting, while the others chose the 5 persons according to their missions in life. I could have told my students that some of them still made self-sacrifices but did not elaborate on it instead disclosed the lesson of the activity.

Some of my students shared that they did not think of breaking the rules and that they were held between making the wrong decisions and the idea of self-sacrifices. I then related to my students that in life, when one is faced of making a very tough decision he must contemplate on it first. Thinking outside the box would not hurt nor thinking of oneself's welfare. I reiterated that sometimes it is okay to be selfish. One does not have to follow what others are saying. One does not have to conform with what the situation can give. Sometimes, one just have to be selfish by following what his heart is saying. If his heart is saying to save himself to save others then there is nothing wrong with defying what was given. Sometimes, when selfishness is the last resort, one must go with it in order to accomplish what needs to be accomplish. Lastly, I made an emphasis on the type of selfishness that I have been hinting to my students during the activity. The personal desire to help others in times of their need. The personal desire to make others happy. The personal desire to give one's life for the sake of others.

The Night Before Her Death

In my last blog, I have admitted that I was not really affected by the former President Aquino's death. Until now, I am still trying to figure why however I could not find the reason why.

When I heard that she was diagnosed with colon cancer I just felt nothing. I even get annoyed everytime I hear news about her. I mean, come on, she's on stage four and no matter how many prayers you are going to offer her I just don't think it would work.

I refused watching tv and read internet news update because I know the media will just be talking about her. The last time I got interested with current events was during Michael Jackson's death. I would really spend hours and hours on the internet just to be updated with MJ. But it is not the case with Mrs. Aquino.

31 July 2009 - My students and I were walking along McArthur Highway. When we reached Ateneo de Davao High School campus I noticed the yellow ribbons tied on the railings as well as on the streets. I have already known that those yellow ribbons indicate support and prayers for Mrs. Aquino. Reminded by the yellow ribbons I then shared to my students my points of view on Mrs. Aquino. I told them that I find prayers for Mrs. Aquino to be useless, if her time comes the she would die. The prayers would not be able to heal Mrs. Aquino. The prayers would not help Mrs. Aquino to recover.

The next day, at around 5 o'clock in the morning, I was already hearing Ted Failon on TV. I thought it was just a replay of news program; what's more absurd was I thought it was another tribute for Michael Jackson. But shock suddenly grasped me and I could not believe what I was hearing. So to make sure that the news was true, I checked abs-cbnnews.com and yahoo.com, after doing so my hesitations were all erased. Mrs. Aquino died at 76. I was surprised upon confirming it. I was just talking with my students regarding prayers for Aquino, and then after few hours she was already gone.

Anti-Filipino

No. I am not so affected. Should I feel guilty about it?

Shameful may be but I just cannot lie to myself. I have cried over the King of Pop but I could not cry, even a single tear, for the late Mrs. Corazon Aquino. Maybe it is because I could barely connect with her, unlike MJ whose music greatly influenced me. Aside from that, forgive me kababayans, maybe I am just not impressed with what she had done. Others may think of her as the icon for hope but I really don't.

Yes, it is true. She led the people power but it was not her who triggered it. It was her husband, who I admire greatly. She only came to surface after her husband's death. She had to, the people are calling her. Filipinos are melodramatic. Underdogs are greatly favored. And I guess that's what happened hence the enormous support for Mrs. Aquino during the 1986 Special Election.

But I am not saying that the People Power 1 was just a fad. I believe that the Filipinos were already at their pique and to let Mr. Marcos continue his term would be a suicide. It just so happen that Mrs. Aquino was the wife of the great Benigno Aquino, Jr. She was the perfect character to replace the dictator who was believed to be connected with her husband's death.

Well, anyway, perhaps I am just one of the few who was not pleased by Mrs. Aquino but this does not necessarily mean that I see Mrs. Aquino as an inefficient president. I understand that her term as president was the most painful and difficult of all as hers was the transition period for the Filipinos. Despite the coup attempts and crisis she encountered the Philippine government was still able to survive.

Philippine Martial Law version 2

With Con-Ass on the move, I am afraid that there will be a Martial Law part 2.

Well, i just hope i am not correct and i just hope President Arroyo would not take advantage over Con-Ass. True that the constitution needs to be amended but why now when 2010 election is just around the corner?

I was not fussed when i read that the congress finally okayed on con-ass however my apprehension surfaced after i finished reading the article about the said matter. The solons who ayed for con-ass were not sure on what would happen next. They don't even know when to begin the convention! Nograles said they might convene after the President's last SONA which will be on July 27. That would be ten months before the election and who knows how long the con-ass will take? Amending the constitution needs more time and thorough deliberation and i don't think ten months or less is enough.

I am not against cha-cha in fact I strongly believe that the constitution needs to be revised to accord with the Filipinos' lifestyle. However, to push con-ass this year is very precarious and this might give the government a reason, an apposite reason, to do what they have been wanting to do -- Martial Law.

People Power. Not again.

I just seen from the TV that few of my kababayans will be bringing their objections against cha-cha on the streets. In fact, according to the news update, some of them are already busy preparing for their rally which would start Monday next week.

Wow! Isn't that great? The Philippines is going to have another version of people power! If this will happen then it would be our 3rd people power. Oh no! I think it's the 4th... hmmmm... maybe 5th. It could also be the 6th, 7th, 8th. Nth? Sorry, i lost my count. Let me check the history. Nah. Never mind. It doesn't matter anyway. People power are all the same. Except for the first of course. The original.

I wonder why some of my kababayans are not yet tired of the history repeating over and over. Come on. We've been tolerating people powers for many times but nothing has changed. The Mother country is still suffering from the social cancer and no one even bothered to check if she is still okay. Our impulsiveness would only bring us to nowhere.

The railroading of con-ass at the congress did seem to be equivocal and i cannot blame those people who were infuriated by it but to bring it to the streets is frivolous.

Past: Please Release Me

There may be a time for everything but still nobody knows when that time will be... There may be a reason for everything yet nobody knows what that reason is...

When you have already decided to let go of the past and leave it all behind, it would then again hunt and pin you down. You wonder as you try to move on; should you really let go or should you hold on for a little more while? With this on the fritz, you wander with confusion once more -- should you stay or should you go, that is the question.

When the hardest part of living is acceptance and the hardest thing to do is giving up, you toddle with uncertainty, you pause and then you stop -- is it really worth it? do you really have to do it? for what reason?

Afterward you search for the answers, trying to satiate the hunger for the truth yet you just find yourself frustrated and dejected. The answer seemed to be very elusive. always beyond your reach. always out of the line.

So you fixed yourself into something else, forgetting the thing that you have to do. You neither let go nor accepted what was given to you instead you blinded yourself and pretended that nothing really happened. You then started taking the path you thought you have never taken. A new road, a new journey. However, upon reaching the crossroad you realized you are back to where you have come from. And the cycle goes on again until you got tired.

You have gone weary but you are still unable to make up your mind. For some reasons, the past can't seem to emancipate you from it. Daunting you, holding you back, smothering you. But the fact is: It is you who cannot withhold from the past, it is you who cannot give it up it is you who refused to let go.

Sometimes when the hardest part of living is acceptance and the hardest thing to do is letting go you stop and you cry. The answer you have been seeking was just inside your heart all the while yet you failed to recognize it. Indeed there is a time for everything and there is a reason for everything. But time and reason are only instruments for you to realize that that's what life is really for.

Here Comes Jeep ni Erap

When Erap relaunched his jeepney, I knew he would be running for 2010.

President Gloria shouldn't have granted Estrada his civil and political rights hence his audacity to run for reelection.

The nerve, after all he's done and what he'd gone through, he still has the guts to run for president! I wonder what was he thinking or does he ever think at all? If he is only following his advisers then it is time for him to fire them all. They have done nothing good to him, in fact his reputation was ruined because of what they are feeding him.

He must realize that life is not a movie. He's not an actor playing for a role of a man who lives in a dream that he is born to be the savior of his country. He should stop thinking that he is the next Ninoy or Rizal because he will never be one. I do not understand why he still wants to go back to politics after the fiasco he and his men created. If his reason is just because he wants to serve the Filipino people, does he really had to run for office? Can't he extend his hands to his fellowmen without a seat in the government? If he would reason out that he can do a lot of things for his people if he is the president of the country, what had he done for the Philippines during his term in the first place?

If ever he had done something good for the country, I really cannot say for the things that I can only remember during his presidency was the peso rate on its lowest, the economy at its rock bottom, the Philippines in the dark. And I don't need to present evidence here as the history has already spoken it.