And now, here comes anger...
Seeing my mother lying in her bed crushes my heart into a million pieces. As always, i can not stand watching her knowing that she can not see anything nor feel anything because almost all of her sensory networks had been destroyed. If one will see my mother right now he would think that my mom is physically well as she seems fine and okay. She can look right into one's eyes and speak as if she's not suffering from something and that she is okay as normal. But one will be surprised if he'd find no reaction from her if he would hit her with a belt's buckle or maybe a 2x2 plywood as she can no longer determine the difference of being tapped on the shoulder from being slapped on the arms. What is more terrifying is her inability to see what is going on around her or what is someone doing to her.
Just a month ago I have finished reading Yancey's book, Where is God When it Hurts? The book speaks most of the leprosy patients and the diabetics whose sensory networks are ruined because of the malady they have acquired. According to Yancey, the boils and sores all over their body worsened not because of their sickness but because of their inability to feel the pain; they would not know that they are already bleeding from their scratches unless they see the blood seeping on their skin. I do not want to think that the reason why the book was given to me so to prepare myself from this because I do not want to think that God has planned this all along. For this reason, I have let myself be consumed of anger because I do not want to get the gist of why this had happened to us. I wish not to know the reason because for sure I would only defy it which would only inflict hatred in my heart. But honestly, I would love to know the reason why but I don't think I have the courage to take it in.
People may not understand why I am feeling this and I really don't care if they could not. They're not in my shoes and it's not their mother who had lost her sense of touch and sense of hearing. It's not their mother who's posed in so much danger because her senses could no longer protect her from environmental hazards.
0319angered100806
Emotional Blindness
Jun 4, 2010
Call me selfish, call me bitter, call me chicken, but how can one run away from a quandary in a labyrinth?
It was Monday, May 31st. At around 7 in the morning, I was awakened by my mother's cry, calling for my youngest sister's name. She was complaining about something I did not understand; perhaps she was nagging again, i thought, as she usually does. I closed my eyes and was about to take my 30 minutes of sleep back when finally my ears caught the words my mother was muttering --- SHE COULDN'T FEEL ANYTHING. I got out from my bed and walked to her room, the door was open and I saw her leaning on the wall. I helped her sit at the edge of her bed as she continued mumbling, "WALA KO KASABOT SA AKONG GIBATI. WALA NA KO'Y MA.FEEL " She was in the state of panic and I spared no effort to make her calm but she kept on weeping. I was not sure if it was terror that consumed me or what. I HONESTLY DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. She was sweating profusely but her hand was very cold. I then yelled for my sister who came in a jiffy. She started massaging my mom's right arm and told me to wake my younger brother up to ask for help from my relatives who were just in the neighborhood.
When my aunties and cousins came, we then decided to admit her in a hospital as we have no idea on what was happening to her. My youngest sister was crying, venting her fears of what would happen to our mom. I, on the other hand, tried to console her AS I SEARCHED FOR MY EMOTIONAL RESPONSE DEEP INSIDE. Should I be crying as well or terrified maybe? MY MOTHER WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ATTACK NO ONE OF US KNEW. I watched my cousin carry my mother on his back as she could not stand on her feet. I then felt helpless. There was nothing I could do but watch them help my mother out. My brother called for a cab and together with my sister they took my mom to the nearest hospital, where my father breathed his last air.
I was left in the house with the defeaning silence. I must be in a shock but honestly I could not determine what I felt. THERE WAS NO TEARS NOR PAIN, FEAR NOR ANGER --- THERE WAS ONLY NOTHING. I contacted my colleagues at school to inform them that I could not come to work because of an emergency. I went back to my room and laid myself on the back in the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. I was in that position when few hours later the phone rang. I went down to the living room to pick it up and was dumbfounded after hearing what my sister had to say --- my mom suffered from a mild stroke and temporarily in the state of blindness. My sister said she can still see although blurry and the doctor said she would regain her eyesight perhaps in a day or two but still it was no guarantee. I put the phone down with apprehension as I thought of my mom --- NOT HER EYESIGHT. Knowing my mother, one thing that she really hates is to feel worthless and useless. My sister said that OUR MOTHER HAD BECOME FRANTIC AND SELF-PITYING. She kept on telling my siblings that she had gone invalid and of no use. She was worried that she could no longer go back to work and that we would be in the red because aside from the house expenses and bills we would also have to pay for her medication.
Four days later, Friday, June 4th. It was pass 7 a.m. when my youngest sister came home to inform me of mom's CT scan result. A BLOOD CLOT WAS FOUND ON ONE OF HER BRAIN NERVES although it was just a dot. The doctor said that the blood clot could have probably been formed when she suffered from typhoid fever during her younger days. Aside from that, CHOLESTEROL BUILD UP WAS SPOTTED IN THE WALL OF HER ARTERIES. SINCE MY MOTHER IS DIABETIC, the doctor added that her sugar level should be monitored as well and that INSULIN INJECTION WOULDN'T WORK WITH HER ANYMORE CAUSE IT MIGHT TRIGGER ANOTHER ATTACK thus they gave us another prescription that would regulate her blood sugar level. But they said that she might be discharged from the hospital today. However, at around 8 in the evening I received a call from my third older sister and spurted out the news I was wishing not to hear --- MOM HAD BECOME BLIND. Although it would only be for six months but it won't change the fact that she has gone blind. She has lost her eyesight and it would be impossible for her to return to work. Again, THE FEELING OF NOT KNOWING WHAT TO FEEL STORMED OVER ME. Should I cry or should I be angry? Should I be upset or should I be accepting?
WHEN MY FATHER DIED FOURTEEN YEARS AGO, I WAS IN A TERRIBLE SHOCK BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT I FELT. Sure I cried, I CRIED SO HARD THAT MY EYES COULD DRY BUT I WAS NOT REALLY SURE OF WHAT I HAD FELT. Perhaps it was the young age that made me forget the emotion I clinged to during that time. Fourteen years later, my mother suffered from the same attack only no blood clotted on his brain, he was not blinded, and was not diabetic. I AM NOW THREE AND TWENTY TURNING FOUR AND TWENTY BUT IT SEEMS THAT MY EMOTIONAL RESPONSE HAS NOT CHANGED AT ALL -- acting normally as if nothing had happened.
So tell me, how can one run away from the quandary in a labyrinth?
231440em04062010
It was Monday, May 31st. At around 7 in the morning, I was awakened by my mother's cry, calling for my youngest sister's name. She was complaining about something I did not understand; perhaps she was nagging again, i thought, as she usually does. I closed my eyes and was about to take my 30 minutes of sleep back when finally my ears caught the words my mother was muttering --- SHE COULDN'T FEEL ANYTHING. I got out from my bed and walked to her room, the door was open and I saw her leaning on the wall. I helped her sit at the edge of her bed as she continued mumbling, "WALA KO KASABOT SA AKONG GIBATI. WALA NA KO'Y MA.FEEL " She was in the state of panic and I spared no effort to make her calm but she kept on weeping. I was not sure if it was terror that consumed me or what. I HONESTLY DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. She was sweating profusely but her hand was very cold. I then yelled for my sister who came in a jiffy. She started massaging my mom's right arm and told me to wake my younger brother up to ask for help from my relatives who were just in the neighborhood.
When my aunties and cousins came, we then decided to admit her in a hospital as we have no idea on what was happening to her. My youngest sister was crying, venting her fears of what would happen to our mom. I, on the other hand, tried to console her AS I SEARCHED FOR MY EMOTIONAL RESPONSE DEEP INSIDE. Should I be crying as well or terrified maybe? MY MOTHER WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ATTACK NO ONE OF US KNEW. I watched my cousin carry my mother on his back as she could not stand on her feet. I then felt helpless. There was nothing I could do but watch them help my mother out. My brother called for a cab and together with my sister they took my mom to the nearest hospital, where my father breathed his last air.
I was left in the house with the defeaning silence. I must be in a shock but honestly I could not determine what I felt. THERE WAS NO TEARS NOR PAIN, FEAR NOR ANGER --- THERE WAS ONLY NOTHING. I contacted my colleagues at school to inform them that I could not come to work because of an emergency. I went back to my room and laid myself on the back in the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. I was in that position when few hours later the phone rang. I went down to the living room to pick it up and was dumbfounded after hearing what my sister had to say --- my mom suffered from a mild stroke and temporarily in the state of blindness. My sister said she can still see although blurry and the doctor said she would regain her eyesight perhaps in a day or two but still it was no guarantee. I put the phone down with apprehension as I thought of my mom --- NOT HER EYESIGHT. Knowing my mother, one thing that she really hates is to feel worthless and useless. My sister said that OUR MOTHER HAD BECOME FRANTIC AND SELF-PITYING. She kept on telling my siblings that she had gone invalid and of no use. She was worried that she could no longer go back to work and that we would be in the red because aside from the house expenses and bills we would also have to pay for her medication.
Four days later, Friday, June 4th. It was pass 7 a.m. when my youngest sister came home to inform me of mom's CT scan result. A BLOOD CLOT WAS FOUND ON ONE OF HER BRAIN NERVES although it was just a dot. The doctor said that the blood clot could have probably been formed when she suffered from typhoid fever during her younger days. Aside from that, CHOLESTEROL BUILD UP WAS SPOTTED IN THE WALL OF HER ARTERIES. SINCE MY MOTHER IS DIABETIC, the doctor added that her sugar level should be monitored as well and that INSULIN INJECTION WOULDN'T WORK WITH HER ANYMORE CAUSE IT MIGHT TRIGGER ANOTHER ATTACK thus they gave us another prescription that would regulate her blood sugar level. But they said that she might be discharged from the hospital today. However, at around 8 in the evening I received a call from my third older sister and spurted out the news I was wishing not to hear --- MOM HAD BECOME BLIND. Although it would only be for six months but it won't change the fact that she has gone blind. She has lost her eyesight and it would be impossible for her to return to work. Again, THE FEELING OF NOT KNOWING WHAT TO FEEL STORMED OVER ME. Should I cry or should I be angry? Should I be upset or should I be accepting?
WHEN MY FATHER DIED FOURTEEN YEARS AGO, I WAS IN A TERRIBLE SHOCK BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT I FELT. Sure I cried, I CRIED SO HARD THAT MY EYES COULD DRY BUT I WAS NOT REALLY SURE OF WHAT I HAD FELT. Perhaps it was the young age that made me forget the emotion I clinged to during that time. Fourteen years later, my mother suffered from the same attack only no blood clotted on his brain, he was not blinded, and was not diabetic. I AM NOW THREE AND TWENTY TURNING FOUR AND TWENTY BUT IT SEEMS THAT MY EMOTIONAL RESPONSE HAS NOT CHANGED AT ALL -- acting normally as if nothing had happened.
So tell me, how can one run away from the quandary in a labyrinth?
231440em04062010