Regrets

This is the point of my life where regret is chasing me in the darkness. I should have left, few months ago, I should have left. Although I know that what ifs and if onlys would do no good anymore, I just can't help wishing for it. This is stupid, I know. It's part of me, I guess --- to be stupid.

Today is the worst day of my life ever. As much as I want to disclose the reason why, I can't as I am too ashamed to admit the mistake that I have committed. I can't believe I have allowed myself to be boxed in an emotion that I could have parried. This is intolerable, totally unforgivable, and I am not sure how long will I be able to get over this seemingly insuperable blight.

Sigh.. as always.. a sigh. My tears had gone dry from my eyes. Although everything's a cycle, but this one is way too far different from the other. Only one thing remains: it will be bound to be hidden in the abysmal section of my heart.

to the Instrument of My Existence...

I was you and you were me and I guess that's the reason why we could not stand each other's company. Now that you have finally taken your rest, who would've thought that I would miss you this much?

I used to wish for your nagging to peter out and I know that you used to wish for my rebellion to end. I know that I have gotten into your nerves, but you chose to ignore it as you were aware that mine was just an act of a grandstander. You were with pride and I was with hurt, thus we never had the chance to converse with each other. We were living on the same roof but we would only communicate through my brother and sisters. However, I am amazed by our relationship because despite that, we both knew what we want for each other.

Hence, I worked hard for my college and started looking for a job that would be enough to finance my night out gimmicks and expensive pastimes. I really didn't mind working at early in the morning while taking classes at night. I would never get the honors anyway so why waste an effort, right? Although I knew you would rather have me achieve that academic distinction, I was only aiming for the credential that would emancipate me from my nerve-racking but high-paying job.

When my siblings told me that you somehow felt ashamed for not supporting my collegiate pursuits, I thought it was already clear to you that I was only doing you a favor. Besides, it was my choice and I was pleased with what I was doing because of the benefits that I was getting. Aside from that, depending on you for my personal needs would mean a failure on your part because you have inculcated in me the value of being independent.

With you I have learned that the world would never stop from turning every time I fall. With you I have realized that we all have our own lives and it is our responsibility to live it the way how it should be. With you I have discovered the reality of myself and my capacity to materialize all the visions I have in mind. With you I have understand the true nature and intricacies of human society. With you I have become what I have become and I am so much grateful, despite the ambivalence, of your ephemeral existence.

I know you were proud of me as I was proud of you. As what they have seen and observed --- I was you and you were me and thank heavens we were given the gift of interacting in silence.

Lucid Dream!

I finally had a lucid dream! Unfortunately, I snapped out of it immediately right after I realized that I was dreaming a lucid dream. It felt so creepy and my whole body was shivering from chills. I can feel the goosebumps invading my totality. Just when I thought I could handle it, but I was wrong and I felt a tinge of regret for getting so scared. I should have let the dream carry on.

A lucid dream by the way is a type of dream where the dreamer is aware that he is only dreaming. Scientific researches have been conducted about it and the veracity of its phenomenon has been established.

My interest in lucid dreaming commenced when I started dreaming weird and symbolic dreams. Some of which came true, like my travel in Manila, and some other scenarios which I cannot simply disclose for some reasons.

The lucid dream that I had was weird just like any others. And it actually involved the person who I wish to see in my dream because I want to ask some clarifications. However, I was not able to get a hold of my goal because I panicked when I realized that I was dreaming a lucid dream.

A Getaway.

Watched Anastasia. Watched Shutter Island. Ate dinner. Watched Tangled. Received a call. Took a bath. Left home. Went to Marj's unit. Surprised. Amazed. Talked. Read Bob Ong. Lost track. Talked. Sound trip. Ate ice cream. Drank iced tea. Read Pugad Baboy. Talked. Sound trip. Called Jhong. Picked up Jhong. Amused. Laughed. Ate ice cream. Talked. Sound trip. Checked FB. Ate Kay's sumptuous dish. Texted Buddy happy birthday. Read Pugad Baboy. Talked. Sound trip. Read Pugad Baboy. Slept. Awoken by Jhong. Texted a cab. Checked FB. Checked Twitter. Accompanied Jhong. Waited for taxi. Watched Jhong went off. Went back to Marj's unit. Slept. Woke up. Ate macaroni salad. Talked. Sound trip. Kay left. Talked. Sound trip. Took heavy breakfast. Read Pugad Baboy. Accompanied Marj to work. Waited for Marj outside her working place. Hitched. Dropped by at an ATM machine. Forgot pin code. Went home. Wrote something on the journal. Fell asleep. Woke up. Checked FB. Ate bread. Received a call. Wrote a note on FB. Went off to Bo's Coffee.

Tomorrow's rest day. Sleep. Watch movie. Review lessons. Wander around cyberspace. Break. Life. Getaway.

The Horrible Side of Me

Just like any others, I have my own share of insularities; as much as I want to contain them, but human as I am, I also have my uncontrollable whims. What might be inoffensive to others might be offensive to me, what might be inoffensive to me might be offensive to others.

It is difficult to understand. Human beings are as unfathomable as its origin. However, that's how the nature works, that's how the world maneuvers --- I could abhor it, sure I would, but who am I to even the score when I am just but a speck of it.

I never wanted to be angry. I never wanted to be offended. But what transpired was another story. This fury, I want to contain, for I do not want to catch sight of my rage. That is why I always prefer silence; for my words can turn into a double-edged sword anytime, ready to slash any emotion of any ego that would come my way.

I was angry, and now I am hurt. Although there is no need for me to explain myself, as I was the one who was publicly humiliated, but letting this out in the open is the only way for me to let go of my chagrin and get ahold of myself back into composure. It was no joke, but it was for theirs. They didn't know that I could no longer raise my eyes as I could not bear to see the mockery painted on their faces. Their defeaning cheers had turned into a bunch of poisonous and sharp arrows fired at me: lacerating every inch of my skin, piercing through my veins, perforating my soul. I was caught off guard, I had no choice. Like a sailor passing through the Strait of Messina, it is either I have to confront Scylla or Charybdis. The terrible thing is, I was only forced to board that ship and I have no right to be defiant.

The sense of betrayal keeps on ringing in my ears. What occured was a very shallow act, I know, but it was not insubstantial to me --- and that's what afflicts me the most. Worst thing is, although I could easily forgive, but I could not easily forget. What happened might just fade away, but the racking sensation has been etched in my memory.

No, I am not asking for any sympathy. I have already anticipated the false impression. I do not expect anyone to understand what I am feeling; I, myself, could not even grasp the rationale behind my immature and childish response. This is how I feel. People may tell me to get control of my emotions, but no one can just tell anyone to stop the feeling because it is very superficial. We have our own impulses, and sometimes these impulses are so hard to restrain no matter what you do. It would really flare up once in a while.

I do not mean to justify my reaction, I am only speaking my mind up. After this, I will have to think of ways on how to act normal in front of everybody. I may still be able to smile, proceed like nothing happened, but how I wish it's just as simple as that. The course of tides had changed. The time has come for me to choose between Scylla and Charybdis, and now I am crushed because I don't know which options to take.

I could set aside the emotion and pretend that everything is okay, but I could not tolerate any teasing and I might get irked. I could be branded as narrow and overrated, but I could care less and I couldn't mind. Maybe I would just cross the bridge when I get there, but it is the uncertainties of my reaction that terrifies me. And that, I guess, is the most horrible side of me. =(

Dear Anna...

I am the most blessed person today. Despite the challenges that I have encountered, despite the lethargic morning, I am still happy for this day. Who wouldn't be? When today is one of the most special days of my life.

I feel so blessed today because today marks the birthday of one of the most beautiful people I have ever met in my whole life, and I wonder what would my life be without her? It might sound exaggerated, but I am just expressing what I feel inside. Meeting her for the first time years ago, I never thought she would befriend me. Her intelligence and elegance had intimidated me, thus the surprise when she first came to me and talked. Her gregariousness changed my opinion of her, but it was her kindness and passion that melted my heart. Since then, I have been admiring her for her goodness and understanding. The moments we have shared together: the food trips, the midnight chats, the volunteer works - even with our differences, she was still able to get used to my diffident behavior and nonsense insights. Despite of the times that I have failed her expectations, her forgiving heart and open-mindedness keeps our friendship intact and I am so much grateful for that.

Happy birthday friend. May our friendship go stronger everyday. I love you so much and I pray for more blessings and goodness to come. ^_^

the struggle

Alone here in the classroom, it seems that my students have forgotten that they have a technical writing class at this hour. What a crap!

I have always been lenient with my classes, perhaps the reason why most of the students take me so lightly. Although I am trying to justify that what I am doing is not wrong, I am their teacher for pete's sake, not their babysitter! It is not my responsibility to remind them every now and then about their class whatsoever. They are already out of high school; this is no longer grade school! Sigh.

As much as I want to be strict, but I knew how college life is, btdt. That's the exact reason why instead of acting as an instructor, I try hard to be their academic partner by discussing the things that I have learned about this particular subject. Well, I guess I have to change my strategy. Being friendly does not work for me.

Monsters are Real...

When I was a child, I have already known that monsters are real for I have met one... two... no, three... when I am all alone and no one is around, the monsters would crept into my room... I would not scream, nor shout as I was told that I would not be hurt... I would only whimper in silence as I watch the monsters devour every little pieces of my precious treasures... The monsters would let me play and they were successful in making me their prey... I thought it was okay only to find myself digging my own grave.... I was able to escape but the scars were so horrible it remained... I tried to hide it and although no one has seen it, I have already become a slave to my past...

Now that I am old, the monsters still exist... Although they could no longer scare me as they could no longer dare to come near me but I am afraid that they are going to make my little angels their prey... I am not always at their side and I wish there is something I could do to make the monsters go away, but my hands are tied, bound by the law created by men...

I should have spoken but Justice was blind... I thought of doing it now but who would believe a rebellious and deviant lass? Veracity maybe mine but credibility is theirs... How could I speak when every time my mouth opens their ears are covered... Even though I knew I was not the only one but the others also chose to be mum...

Lost Sense

And now, here comes anger...

Seeing my mother lying in her bed crushes my heart into a million pieces. As always, i can not stand watching her knowing that she can not see anything nor feel anything because almost all of her sensory networks had been destroyed. If one will see my mother right now he would think that my mom is physically well as she seems fine and okay. She can look right into one's eyes and speak as if she's not suffering from something and that she is okay as normal. But one will be surprised if he'd find no reaction from her if he would hit her with a belt's buckle or maybe a 2x2 plywood as she can no longer determine the difference of being tapped on the shoulder from being slapped on the arms. What is more terrifying is her inability to see what is going on around her or what is someone doing to her.

Just a month ago I have finished reading Yancey's book, Where is God When it Hurts? The book speaks most of the leprosy patients and the diabetics whose sensory networks are ruined because of the malady they have acquired. According to Yancey, the boils and sores all over their body worsened not because of their sickness but because of their inability to feel the pain; they would not know that they are already bleeding from their scratches unless they see the blood seeping on their skin. I do not want to think that the reason why the book was given to me so to prepare myself from this because I do not want to think that God has planned this all along. For this reason, I have let myself be consumed of anger because I do not want to get the gist of why this had happened to us. I wish not to know the reason because for sure I would only defy it which would only inflict hatred in my heart. But honestly, I would love to know the reason why but I don't think I have the courage to take it in.

People may not understand why I am feeling this and I really don't care if they could not. They're not in my shoes and it's not their mother who had lost her sense of touch and sense of hearing. It's not their mother who's posed in so much danger because her senses could no longer protect her from environmental hazards.


0319angered100806

Emotional Blindness

Call me selfish, call me bitter, call me chicken, but how can one run away from a quandary in a labyrinth?

It was Monday, May 31st. At around 7 in the morning, I was awakened by my mother's cry, calling for my youngest sister's name. She was complaining about something I did not understand; perhaps she was nagging again, i thought, as she usually does. I closed my eyes and was about to take my 30 minutes of sleep back when finally my ears caught the words my mother was muttering --- SHE COULDN'T FEEL ANYTHING. I got out from my bed and walked to her room, the door was open and I saw her leaning on the wall. I helped her sit at the edge of her bed as she continued mumbling, "WALA KO KASABOT SA AKONG GIBATI. WALA NA KO'Y MA.FEEL " She was in the state of panic and I spared no effort to make her calm but she kept on weeping. I was not sure if it was terror that consumed me or what. I HONESTLY DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. She was sweating profusely but her hand was very cold. I then yelled for my sister who came in a jiffy. She started massaging my mom's right arm and told me to wake my younger brother up to ask for help from my relatives who were just in the neighborhood.

When my aunties and cousins came, we then decided to admit her in a hospital as we have no idea on what was happening to her. My youngest sister was crying, venting her fears of what would happen to our mom. I, on the other hand, tried to console her AS I SEARCHED FOR MY EMOTIONAL RESPONSE DEEP INSIDE. Should I be crying as well or terrified maybe? MY MOTHER WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF AN ATTACK NO ONE OF US KNEW. I watched my cousin carry my mother on his back as she could not stand on her feet. I then felt helpless. There was nothing I could do but watch them help my mother out. My brother called for a cab and together with my sister they took my mom to the nearest hospital, where my father breathed his last air.

I was left in the house with the defeaning silence. I must be in a shock but honestly I could not determine what I felt. THERE WAS NO TEARS NOR PAIN, FEAR NOR ANGER --- THERE WAS ONLY NOTHING. I contacted my colleagues at school to inform them that I could not come to work because of an emergency. I went back to my room and laid myself on the back in the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. I was in that position when few hours later the phone rang. I went down to the living room to pick it up and was dumbfounded after hearing what my sister had to say --- my mom suffered from a mild stroke and temporarily in the state of blindness. My sister said she can still see although blurry and the doctor said she would regain her eyesight perhaps in a day or two but still it was no guarantee. I put the phone down with apprehension as I thought of my mom --- NOT HER EYESIGHT. Knowing my mother, one thing that she really hates is to feel worthless and useless. My sister said that OUR MOTHER HAD BECOME FRANTIC AND SELF-PITYING. She kept on telling my siblings that she had gone invalid and of no use. She was worried that she could no longer go back to work and that we would be in the red because aside from the house expenses and bills we would also have to pay for her medication.

Four days later, Friday, June 4th. It was pass 7 a.m. when my youngest sister came home to inform me of mom's CT scan result. A BLOOD CLOT WAS FOUND ON ONE OF HER BRAIN NERVES although it was just a dot. The doctor said that the blood clot could have probably been formed when she suffered from typhoid fever during her younger days. Aside from that, CHOLESTEROL BUILD UP WAS SPOTTED IN THE WALL OF HER ARTERIES. SINCE MY MOTHER IS DIABETIC, the doctor added that her sugar level should be monitored as well and that INSULIN INJECTION WOULDN'T WORK WITH HER ANYMORE CAUSE IT MIGHT TRIGGER ANOTHER ATTACK thus they gave us another prescription that would regulate her blood sugar level. But they said that she might be discharged from the hospital today. However, at around 8 in the evening I received a call from my third older sister and spurted out the news I was wishing not to hear --- MOM HAD BECOME BLIND. Although it would only be for six months but it won't change the fact that she has gone blind. She has lost her eyesight and it would be impossible for her to return to work. Again, THE FEELING OF NOT KNOWING WHAT TO FEEL STORMED OVER ME. Should I cry or should I be angry? Should I be upset or should I be accepting?

WHEN MY FATHER DIED FOURTEEN YEARS AGO, I WAS IN A TERRIBLE SHOCK BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT I FELT. Sure I cried, I CRIED SO HARD THAT MY EYES COULD DRY BUT I WAS NOT REALLY SURE OF WHAT I HAD FELT. Perhaps it was the young age that made me forget the emotion I clinged to during that time. Fourteen years later, my mother suffered from the same attack only no blood clotted on his brain, he was not blinded, and was not diabetic. I AM NOW THREE AND TWENTY TURNING FOUR AND TWENTY BUT IT SEEMS THAT MY EMOTIONAL RESPONSE HAS NOT CHANGED AT ALL -- acting normally as if nothing had happened.

So tell me, how can one run away from the quandary in a labyrinth?



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