to the Instrument of My Existence...

I was you and you were me and I guess that's the reason why we could not stand each other's company. Now that you have finally taken your rest, who would've thought that I would miss you this much?

I used to wish for your nagging to peter out and I know that you used to wish for my rebellion to end. I know that I have gotten into your nerves, but you chose to ignore it as you were aware that mine was just an act of a grandstander. You were with pride and I was with hurt, thus we never had the chance to converse with each other. We were living on the same roof but we would only communicate through my brother and sisters. However, I am amazed by our relationship because despite that, we both knew what we want for each other.

Hence, I worked hard for my college and started looking for a job that would be enough to finance my night out gimmicks and expensive pastimes. I really didn't mind working at early in the morning while taking classes at night. I would never get the honors anyway so why waste an effort, right? Although I knew you would rather have me achieve that academic distinction, I was only aiming for the credential that would emancipate me from my nerve-racking but high-paying job.

When my siblings told me that you somehow felt ashamed for not supporting my collegiate pursuits, I thought it was already clear to you that I was only doing you a favor. Besides, it was my choice and I was pleased with what I was doing because of the benefits that I was getting. Aside from that, depending on you for my personal needs would mean a failure on your part because you have inculcated in me the value of being independent.

With you I have learned that the world would never stop from turning every time I fall. With you I have realized that we all have our own lives and it is our responsibility to live it the way how it should be. With you I have discovered the reality of myself and my capacity to materialize all the visions I have in mind. With you I have understand the true nature and intricacies of human society. With you I have become what I have become and I am so much grateful, despite the ambivalence, of your ephemeral existence.

I know you were proud of me as I was proud of you. As what they have seen and observed --- I was you and you were me and thank heavens we were given the gift of interacting in silence.

Lost Sense

And now, here comes anger...

Seeing my mother lying in her bed crushes my heart into a million pieces. As always, i can not stand watching her knowing that she can not see anything nor feel anything because almost all of her sensory networks had been destroyed. If one will see my mother right now he would think that my mom is physically well as she seems fine and okay. She can look right into one's eyes and speak as if she's not suffering from something and that she is okay as normal. But one will be surprised if he'd find no reaction from her if he would hit her with a belt's buckle or maybe a 2x2 plywood as she can no longer determine the difference of being tapped on the shoulder from being slapped on the arms. What is more terrifying is her inability to see what is going on around her or what is someone doing to her.

Just a month ago I have finished reading Yancey's book, Where is God When it Hurts? The book speaks most of the leprosy patients and the diabetics whose sensory networks are ruined because of the malady they have acquired. According to Yancey, the boils and sores all over their body worsened not because of their sickness but because of their inability to feel the pain; they would not know that they are already bleeding from their scratches unless they see the blood seeping on their skin. I do not want to think that the reason why the book was given to me so to prepare myself from this because I do not want to think that God has planned this all along. For this reason, I have let myself be consumed of anger because I do not want to get the gist of why this had happened to us. I wish not to know the reason because for sure I would only defy it which would only inflict hatred in my heart. But honestly, I would love to know the reason why but I don't think I have the courage to take it in.

People may not understand why I am feeling this and I really don't care if they could not. They're not in my shoes and it's not their mother who had lost her sense of touch and sense of hearing. It's not their mother who's posed in so much danger because her senses could no longer protect her from environmental hazards.


0319angered100806

Life: Bowling

I was playing bowling with my colleagues when another dreadful realization occurred to me --- I have lived my life the way I have played the bowl.

At times I could get a strike without even knowing how I did it. At times I could get a gutter ball even though I was trying hard to aim for the goal. Sometimes I could knock four, three, two even one pin out but most of the time I could knock six to eight pins out - nine pins down would be rare. Then I would try hard to concentrate. I would try to recall what were my stances when I struck the bowl. How did I position my feet, my hands, the ball; what was I feeling, thinking, or even eyeing for. I could not seem to recall anything but I have to set the ball on. As the ball went to the gutter when I released it from my charge, it was in this juncture that the realization dawn onto me.

I was not supposed to feel disappointment as it was just a game but sometimes a man's method of playing a game is a reflection of how he is living his life.

Over the years I have been trying to figure out why my life seemed to be in disarray. Although I've got my triumphant moments but most of the time I feel like I have accomplished nothing. Mediocrity is no longer unusual to me. Ere long I have accepted the fact that I am a jack-of-all-trades but a master-of-none. I tried to establish a focal point but akin to my bowling, once I pick to give the shot it would turn up futile.

Most of the people who knew me think that I am someone prodigious. Some are intimidated by the way I talk and by the way I project myself to the public. They think I am someone smart, a know-it-all human being, a gifted one. Just because my English vocabulary is not as vast as theirs; just because I speak American English as nearly as a native; just because I’ve got an immense passion for literature; just because I can write poetry; just because I prefer scrabble, boggle, and other word-related games; just because I know some things which an average people really don’t --- these do not make me someone exceptional. These do not make me someone different. These do not make me someone special.

For some reasons, I have become shattered on how I was living my life. I could not get the gist why I couldn’t be consistent in playing the bowl. I could hit a strike without even doing something, and I could get a gutter ball when I am exerting an effort. I could smite one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, even nine pins but incongruously. I don’t know why I keep on aiming for a perfect strike when I know for a fact that it does not happen all the time. Unfortunately, this is how I view some aspects of my life. I seek for perfection despite knowing that achieving it is beyond possibility. That is why, it is such a dreadful realization; I have lived my life the way I have played bowling --- mediocrity.

When Selfishness Is The Last Resort

A week ago in my Euthenics class I conducted a team-building activity which I have gotten during the YMCA's Volunteers Training on July 25. I intended to measure the decision-making ability of my students that's why I decided to incorporate it in one of my classes.

The activity was called "Survival". The class was divided into four groups and each group is composed of 7-8 members. The goal was to choose 5 persons who will be saved from their sinking ship. I told my students not to make self-sacrifices for in real life when one faces an accident or emergency, the first person he would usually save is himself. Furthermore, I also instructed them that they have to be able to come up with a decision after 30 minutes.

I have expected that my students would think inside the box. Hence, the difficulty in settling up their minds. I knew that the thirty-minute time frame would be very short but I did it on purpose to stir their minds more. A dispute or argument was suppose to surface, fortunately my students were open-minded enough. Their only trouble was choosing the right persons to save. During the activity, one of the groups came to me and asked if it is okay if all of them in their team would be saved. I just reminded them of my instruction. No self-sacrifices. I then told the class that sometimes, it is fine to be selfish. One just have to be selfish in tough times in order to survive. I knew that some of them would not accord with my line of thinking but I did not bother. I just wanted to know how are they going to decide on it.

At the end of the activity, each group were able to name the people who were saved. After which, I asked one of them what was their method of choosing those people. One group had a voting, while the others chose the 5 persons according to their missions in life. I could have told my students that some of them still made self-sacrifices but did not elaborate on it instead disclosed the lesson of the activity.

Some of my students shared that they did not think of breaking the rules and that they were held between making the wrong decisions and the idea of self-sacrifices. I then related to my students that in life, when one is faced of making a very tough decision he must contemplate on it first. Thinking outside the box would not hurt nor thinking of oneself's welfare. I reiterated that sometimes it is okay to be selfish. One does not have to follow what others are saying. One does not have to conform with what the situation can give. Sometimes, one just have to be selfish by following what his heart is saying. If his heart is saying to save himself to save others then there is nothing wrong with defying what was given. Sometimes, when selfishness is the last resort, one must go with it in order to accomplish what needs to be accomplish. Lastly, I made an emphasis on the type of selfishness that I have been hinting to my students during the activity. The personal desire to help others in times of their need. The personal desire to make others happy. The personal desire to give one's life for the sake of others.

Game Over

I quit. I give up. I am tired.

Have you ever tried resisting fate when deep in your heart you know you just have to give in? The pain of being human. The pain of being invincible. It dehumanizes you. It weakens you. Yet there is nothing you can do but accept the truth and move on.

Moving on. I detest that thought. I abhor that thought. I hate that thought. But what can I do when it is my last resort? My ONLY resort? Isn't it exasperating?

In this world of lies and deceptions you have no choice but pretend even though you don't want to. Keep the pain. Keep the emotion. Keep the thought. Deprive yourself of your happiness. Deprive yourself of your freedom. Deprive yourself of enlightenment. Then suddenly, surprisingly, you gain wisdom. Confusing, isn't it?

"One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes." The fox said to the little prince. Indeed. No wonder why I could not see. For even though my eyes are open but my heart is close.

And so, I quit. I give up. I am tired.

The game is over.

Past: Please Release Me

There may be a time for everything but still nobody knows when that time will be... There may be a reason for everything yet nobody knows what that reason is...

When you have already decided to let go of the past and leave it all behind, it would then again hunt and pin you down. You wonder as you try to move on; should you really let go or should you hold on for a little more while? With this on the fritz, you wander with confusion once more -- should you stay or should you go, that is the question.

When the hardest part of living is acceptance and the hardest thing to do is giving up, you toddle with uncertainty, you pause and then you stop -- is it really worth it? do you really have to do it? for what reason?

Afterward you search for the answers, trying to satiate the hunger for the truth yet you just find yourself frustrated and dejected. The answer seemed to be very elusive. always beyond your reach. always out of the line.

So you fixed yourself into something else, forgetting the thing that you have to do. You neither let go nor accepted what was given to you instead you blinded yourself and pretended that nothing really happened. You then started taking the path you thought you have never taken. A new road, a new journey. However, upon reaching the crossroad you realized you are back to where you have come from. And the cycle goes on again until you got tired.

You have gone weary but you are still unable to make up your mind. For some reasons, the past can't seem to emancipate you from it. Daunting you, holding you back, smothering you. But the fact is: It is you who cannot withhold from the past, it is you who cannot give it up it is you who refused to let go.

Sometimes when the hardest part of living is acceptance and the hardest thing to do is letting go you stop and you cry. The answer you have been seeking was just inside your heart all the while yet you failed to recognize it. Indeed there is a time for everything and there is a reason for everything. But time and reason are only instruments for you to realize that that's what life is really for.