It's been a while...
My life, as usual, is in topsy-turvy... as much as I want to publish what is in my mind through Facebook or Twitter I gave myself with no choice but mum. I don't want to be regarded as an "emo" again. I hate it. Despite the fact that deep inside me, I am indeed an emo. I am an emotional being.
So many things had happened in my life and believe it or not, I am almost 26 but I am still lost. Tragic, eh? Or perhaps this is just all because of how my brain works... I have become so afraid with my mind, like Dr. Spencer Reid, I guess there is nothing more frightening than being scared with ones mind. How tragic.
There are so many things I would like to do in my life but I am always restrained by the dictates of the society. I know, I really don't have to submit myself to the standards the society had set, but it is my duty, as a human being, to cohabitate with others regardless how superior or inferior they are to me.
For the moment, as Gavin Degraw slaps the "Not Over You" song to me, I recoil to my safe zone for comfort. I am too afraid to face reality but I am so tired of retreating to my dreamworld.
"No matter what I say I'm... not over you..."
Regrets
Jul 31, 2011
This is the point of my life where regret is chasing me in the darkness. I should have left, few months ago, I should have left. Although I know that what ifs and if onlys would do no good anymore, I just can't help wishing for it. This is stupid, I know. It's part of me, I guess --- to be stupid.
Today is the worst day of my life ever. As much as I want to disclose the reason why, I can't as I am too ashamed to admit the mistake that I have committed. I can't believe I have allowed myself to be boxed in an emotion that I could have parried. This is intolerable, totally unforgivable, and I am not sure how long will I be able to get over this seemingly insuperable blight.
Sigh.. as always.. a sigh. My tears had gone dry from my eyes. Although everything's a cycle, but this one is way too far different from the other. Only one thing remains: it will be bound to be hidden in the abysmal section of my heart.
Today is the worst day of my life ever. As much as I want to disclose the reason why, I can't as I am too ashamed to admit the mistake that I have committed. I can't believe I have allowed myself to be boxed in an emotion that I could have parried. This is intolerable, totally unforgivable, and I am not sure how long will I be able to get over this seemingly insuperable blight.
Sigh.. as always.. a sigh. My tears had gone dry from my eyes. Although everything's a cycle, but this one is way too far different from the other. Only one thing remains: it will be bound to be hidden in the abysmal section of my heart.
to the Instrument of My Existence...
Apr 4, 2011
I was you and you were me and I guess that's the reason why we could not stand each other's company. Now that you have finally taken your rest, who would've thought that I would miss you this much?
I used to wish for your nagging to peter out and I know that you used to wish for my rebellion to end. I know that I have gotten into your nerves, but you chose to ignore it as you were aware that mine was just an act of a grandstander. You were with pride and I was with hurt, thus we never had the chance to converse with each other. We were living on the same roof but we would only communicate through my brother and sisters. However, I am amazed by our relationship because despite that, we both knew what we want for each other.
Hence, I worked hard for my college and started looking for a job that would be enough to finance my night out gimmicks and expensive pastimes. I really didn't mind working at early in the morning while taking classes at night. I would never get the honors anyway so why waste an effort, right? Although I knew you would rather have me achieve that academic distinction, I was only aiming for the credential that would emancipate me from my nerve-racking but high-paying job.
When my siblings told me that you somehow felt ashamed for not supporting my collegiate pursuits, I thought it was already clear to you that I was only doing you a favor. Besides, it was my choice and I was pleased with what I was doing because of the benefits that I was getting. Aside from that, depending on you for my personal needs would mean a failure on your part because you have inculcated in me the value of being independent.
With you I have learned that the world would never stop from turning every time I fall. With you I have realized that we all have our own lives and it is our responsibility to live it the way how it should be. With you I have discovered the reality of myself and my capacity to materialize all the visions I have in mind. With you I have understand the true nature and intricacies of human society. With you I have become what I have become and I am so much grateful, despite the ambivalence, of your ephemeral existence.
I know you were proud of me as I was proud of you. As what they have seen and observed --- I was you and you were me and thank heavens we were given the gift of interacting in silence.
Lucid Dream!
Apr 1, 2011
I finally had a lucid dream! Unfortunately, I snapped out of it immediately right after I realized that I was dreaming a lucid dream. It felt so creepy and my whole body was shivering from chills. I can feel the goosebumps invading my totality. Just when I thought I could handle it, but I was wrong and I felt a tinge of regret for getting so scared. I should have let the dream carry on.
A lucid dream by the way is a type of dream where the dreamer is aware that he is only dreaming. Scientific researches have been conducted about it and the veracity of its phenomenon has been established.
My interest in lucid dreaming commenced when I started dreaming weird and symbolic dreams. Some of which came true, like my travel in Manila, and some other scenarios which I cannot simply disclose for some reasons.
The lucid dream that I had was weird just like any others. And it actually involved the person who I wish to see in my dream because I want to ask some clarifications. However, I was not able to get a hold of my goal because I panicked when I realized that I was dreaming a lucid dream.
A Getaway.
Feb 21, 2011
Watched Anastasia. Watched Shutter Island. Ate dinner. Watched Tangled. Received a call. Took a bath. Left home. Went to Marj's unit. Surprised. Amazed. Talked. Read Bob Ong. Lost track. Talked. Sound trip. Ate ice cream. Drank iced tea. Read Pugad Baboy. Talked. Sound trip. Called Jhong. Picked up Jhong. Amused. Laughed. Ate ice cream. Talked. Sound trip. Checked FB. Ate Kay's sumptuous dish. Texted Buddy happy birthday. Read Pugad Baboy. Talked. Sound trip. Read Pugad Baboy. Slept. Awoken by Jhong. Texted a cab. Checked FB. Checked Twitter. Accompanied Jhong. Waited for taxi. Watched Jhong went off. Went back to Marj's unit. Slept. Woke up. Ate macaroni salad. Talked. Sound trip. Kay left. Talked. Sound trip. Took heavy breakfast. Read Pugad Baboy. Accompanied Marj to work. Waited for Marj outside her working place. Hitched. Dropped by at an ATM machine. Forgot pin code. Went home. Wrote something on the journal. Fell asleep. Woke up. Checked FB. Ate bread. Received a call. Wrote a note on FB. Went off to Bo's Coffee.
Tomorrow's rest day. Sleep. Watch movie. Review lessons. Wander around cyberspace. Break. Life. Getaway.
Tomorrow's rest day. Sleep. Watch movie. Review lessons. Wander around cyberspace. Break. Life. Getaway.
The Horrible Side of Me
Feb 15, 2011
Just like any others, I have my own share of insularities; as much as I want to contain them, but human as I am, I also have my uncontrollable whims. What might be inoffensive to others might be offensive to me, what might be inoffensive to me might be offensive to others.
It is difficult to understand. Human beings are as unfathomable as its origin. However, that's how the nature works, that's how the world maneuvers --- I could abhor it, sure I would, but who am I to even the score when I am just but a speck of it.
I never wanted to be angry. I never wanted to be offended. But what transpired was another story. This fury, I want to contain, for I do not want to catch sight of my rage. That is why I always prefer silence; for my words can turn into a double-edged sword anytime, ready to slash any emotion of any ego that would come my way.
I was angry, and now I am hurt. Although there is no need for me to explain myself, as I was the one who was publicly humiliated, but letting this out in the open is the only way for me to let go of my chagrin and get ahold of myself back into composure. It was no joke, but it was for theirs. They didn't know that I could no longer raise my eyes as I could not bear to see the mockery painted on their faces. Their defeaning cheers had turned into a bunch of poisonous and sharp arrows fired at me: lacerating every inch of my skin, piercing through my veins, perforating my soul. I was caught off guard, I had no choice. Like a sailor passing through the Strait of Messina, it is either I have to confront Scylla or Charybdis. The terrible thing is, I was only forced to board that ship and I have no right to be defiant.
The sense of betrayal keeps on ringing in my ears. What occured was a very shallow act, I know, but it was not insubstantial to me --- and that's what afflicts me the most. Worst thing is, although I could easily forgive, but I could not easily forget. What happened might just fade away, but the racking sensation has been etched in my memory.
No, I am not asking for any sympathy. I have already anticipated the false impression. I do not expect anyone to understand what I am feeling; I, myself, could not even grasp the rationale behind my immature and childish response. This is how I feel. People may tell me to get control of my emotions, but no one can just tell anyone to stop the feeling because it is very superficial. We have our own impulses, and sometimes these impulses are so hard to restrain no matter what you do. It would really flare up once in a while.
I do not mean to justify my reaction, I am only speaking my mind up. After this, I will have to think of ways on how to act normal in front of everybody. I may still be able to smile, proceed like nothing happened, but how I wish it's just as simple as that. The course of tides had changed. The time has come for me to choose between Scylla and Charybdis, and now I am crushed because I don't know which options to take.
I could set aside the emotion and pretend that everything is okay, but I could not tolerate any teasing and I might get irked. I could be branded as narrow and overrated, but I could care less and I couldn't mind. Maybe I would just cross the bridge when I get there, but it is the uncertainties of my reaction that terrifies me. And that, I guess, is the most horrible side of me. =(
It is difficult to understand. Human beings are as unfathomable as its origin. However, that's how the nature works, that's how the world maneuvers --- I could abhor it, sure I would, but who am I to even the score when I am just but a speck of it.
I never wanted to be angry. I never wanted to be offended. But what transpired was another story. This fury, I want to contain, for I do not want to catch sight of my rage. That is why I always prefer silence; for my words can turn into a double-edged sword anytime, ready to slash any emotion of any ego that would come my way.
I was angry, and now I am hurt. Although there is no need for me to explain myself, as I was the one who was publicly humiliated, but letting this out in the open is the only way for me to let go of my chagrin and get ahold of myself back into composure. It was no joke, but it was for theirs. They didn't know that I could no longer raise my eyes as I could not bear to see the mockery painted on their faces. Their defeaning cheers had turned into a bunch of poisonous and sharp arrows fired at me: lacerating every inch of my skin, piercing through my veins, perforating my soul. I was caught off guard, I had no choice. Like a sailor passing through the Strait of Messina, it is either I have to confront Scylla or Charybdis. The terrible thing is, I was only forced to board that ship and I have no right to be defiant.
The sense of betrayal keeps on ringing in my ears. What occured was a very shallow act, I know, but it was not insubstantial to me --- and that's what afflicts me the most. Worst thing is, although I could easily forgive, but I could not easily forget. What happened might just fade away, but the racking sensation has been etched in my memory.
No, I am not asking for any sympathy. I have already anticipated the false impression. I do not expect anyone to understand what I am feeling; I, myself, could not even grasp the rationale behind my immature and childish response. This is how I feel. People may tell me to get control of my emotions, but no one can just tell anyone to stop the feeling because it is very superficial. We have our own impulses, and sometimes these impulses are so hard to restrain no matter what you do. It would really flare up once in a while.
I do not mean to justify my reaction, I am only speaking my mind up. After this, I will have to think of ways on how to act normal in front of everybody. I may still be able to smile, proceed like nothing happened, but how I wish it's just as simple as that. The course of tides had changed. The time has come for me to choose between Scylla and Charybdis, and now I am crushed because I don't know which options to take.
I could set aside the emotion and pretend that everything is okay, but I could not tolerate any teasing and I might get irked. I could be branded as narrow and overrated, but I could care less and I couldn't mind. Maybe I would just cross the bridge when I get there, but it is the uncertainties of my reaction that terrifies me. And that, I guess, is the most horrible side of me. =(
Dear Anna...
Feb 9, 2011
I am the most blessed person today. Despite the challenges that I have encountered, despite the lethargic morning, I am still happy for this day. Who wouldn't be? When today is one of the most special days of my life.
I feel so blessed today because today marks the birthday of one of the most beautiful people I have ever met in my whole life, and I wonder what would my life be without her? It might sound exaggerated, but I am just expressing what I feel inside. Meeting her for the first time years ago, I never thought she would befriend me. Her intelligence and elegance had intimidated me, thus the surprise when she first came to me and talked. Her gregariousness changed my opinion of her, but it was her kindness and passion that melted my heart. Since then, I have been admiring her for her goodness and understanding. The moments we have shared together: the food trips, the midnight chats, the volunteer works - even with our differences, she was still able to get used to my diffident behavior and nonsense insights. Despite of the times that I have failed her expectations, her forgiving heart and open-mindedness keeps our friendship intact and I am so much grateful for that.
Happy birthday friend. May our friendship go stronger everyday. I love you so much and I pray for more blessings and goodness to come. ^_^
Happy birthday friend. May our friendship go stronger everyday. I love you so much and I pray for more blessings and goodness to come. ^_^
the struggle
Jan 7, 2011
Alone here in the classroom, it seems that my students have forgotten that they have a technical writing class at this hour. What a crap!
I have always been lenient with my classes, perhaps the reason why most of the students take me so lightly. Although I am trying to justify that what I am doing is not wrong, I am their teacher for pete's sake, not their babysitter! It is not my responsibility to remind them every now and then about their class whatsoever. They are already out of high school; this is no longer grade school! Sigh.
As much as I want to be strict, but I knew how college life is, btdt. That's the exact reason why instead of acting as an instructor, I try hard to be their academic partner by discussing the things that I have learned about this particular subject. Well, I guess I have to change my strategy. Being friendly does not work for me.
I have always been lenient with my classes, perhaps the reason why most of the students take me so lightly. Although I am trying to justify that what I am doing is not wrong, I am their teacher for pete's sake, not their babysitter! It is not my responsibility to remind them every now and then about their class whatsoever. They are already out of high school; this is no longer grade school! Sigh.
As much as I want to be strict, but I knew how college life is, btdt. That's the exact reason why instead of acting as an instructor, I try hard to be their academic partner by discussing the things that I have learned about this particular subject. Well, I guess I have to change my strategy. Being friendly does not work for me.
Monsters are Real...
Jul 5, 2010
When I was a child, I have already known that monsters are real for I have met one... two... no, three... when I am all alone and no one is around, the monsters would crept into my room... I would not scream, nor shout as I was told that I would not be hurt... I would only whimper in silence as I watch the monsters devour every little pieces of my precious treasures... The monsters would let me play and they were successful in making me their prey... I thought it was okay only to find myself digging my own grave.... I was able to escape but the scars were so horrible it remained... I tried to hide it and although no one has seen it, I have already become a slave to my past...
Now that I am old, the monsters still exist... Although they could no longer scare me as they could no longer dare to come near me but I am afraid that they are going to make my little angels their prey... I am not always at their side and I wish there is something I could do to make the monsters go away, but my hands are tied, bound by the law created by men...
I should have spoken but Justice was blind... I thought of doing it now but who would believe a rebellious and deviant lass? Veracity maybe mine but credibility is theirs... How could I speak when every time my mouth opens their ears are covered... Even though I knew I was not the only one but the others also chose to be mum...
Now that I am old, the monsters still exist... Although they could no longer scare me as they could no longer dare to come near me but I am afraid that they are going to make my little angels their prey... I am not always at their side and I wish there is something I could do to make the monsters go away, but my hands are tied, bound by the law created by men...
I should have spoken but Justice was blind... I thought of doing it now but who would believe a rebellious and deviant lass? Veracity maybe mine but credibility is theirs... How could I speak when every time my mouth opens their ears are covered... Even though I knew I was not the only one but the others also chose to be mum...
Lost Sense
Jun 8, 2010
And now, here comes anger...
Seeing my mother lying in her bed crushes my heart into a million pieces. As always, i can not stand watching her knowing that she can not see anything nor feel anything because almost all of her sensory networks had been destroyed. If one will see my mother right now he would think that my mom is physically well as she seems fine and okay. She can look right into one's eyes and speak as if she's not suffering from something and that she is okay as normal. But one will be surprised if he'd find no reaction from her if he would hit her with a belt's buckle or maybe a 2x2 plywood as she can no longer determine the difference of being tapped on the shoulder from being slapped on the arms. What is more terrifying is her inability to see what is going on around her or what is someone doing to her.
Just a month ago I have finished reading Yancey's book, Where is God When it Hurts? The book speaks most of the leprosy patients and the diabetics whose sensory networks are ruined because of the malady they have acquired. According to Yancey, the boils and sores all over their body worsened not because of their sickness but because of their inability to feel the pain; they would not know that they are already bleeding from their scratches unless they see the blood seeping on their skin. I do not want to think that the reason why the book was given to me so to prepare myself from this because I do not want to think that God has planned this all along. For this reason, I have let myself be consumed of anger because I do not want to get the gist of why this had happened to us. I wish not to know the reason because for sure I would only defy it which would only inflict hatred in my heart. But honestly, I would love to know the reason why but I don't think I have the courage to take it in.
People may not understand why I am feeling this and I really don't care if they could not. They're not in my shoes and it's not their mother who had lost her sense of touch and sense of hearing. It's not their mother who's posed in so much danger because her senses could no longer protect her from environmental hazards.
0319angered100806
Seeing my mother lying in her bed crushes my heart into a million pieces. As always, i can not stand watching her knowing that she can not see anything nor feel anything because almost all of her sensory networks had been destroyed. If one will see my mother right now he would think that my mom is physically well as she seems fine and okay. She can look right into one's eyes and speak as if she's not suffering from something and that she is okay as normal. But one will be surprised if he'd find no reaction from her if he would hit her with a belt's buckle or maybe a 2x2 plywood as she can no longer determine the difference of being tapped on the shoulder from being slapped on the arms. What is more terrifying is her inability to see what is going on around her or what is someone doing to her.
Just a month ago I have finished reading Yancey's book, Where is God When it Hurts? The book speaks most of the leprosy patients and the diabetics whose sensory networks are ruined because of the malady they have acquired. According to Yancey, the boils and sores all over their body worsened not because of their sickness but because of their inability to feel the pain; they would not know that they are already bleeding from their scratches unless they see the blood seeping on their skin. I do not want to think that the reason why the book was given to me so to prepare myself from this because I do not want to think that God has planned this all along. For this reason, I have let myself be consumed of anger because I do not want to get the gist of why this had happened to us. I wish not to know the reason because for sure I would only defy it which would only inflict hatred in my heart. But honestly, I would love to know the reason why but I don't think I have the courage to take it in.
People may not understand why I am feeling this and I really don't care if they could not. They're not in my shoes and it's not their mother who had lost her sense of touch and sense of hearing. It's not their mother who's posed in so much danger because her senses could no longer protect her from environmental hazards.
0319angered100806